projecting

I feel somehow like I have enough time lately. Before the concert, I think I was getting a little depressed about being alone so much, but for the last few days it has felt really wonderful not having anything to do. I have gone home, listened to dramatic readings of terrible fanfiction (Can you believe I'd never read "My Immortal" before?) and writing some of my own roleplay back on Gaia. I got really hooked into the halloween event this year and it screwed with my head a little. I was so upset over Usuchu's bullying that when they announced this year's event was "Good vs. Evil", I really pitched myself on the good side in some desparate wish-fufilling behavior. After all, the good side clearly wrote their goals as, "Protecting and uplifting the weak" while the evil side's motto was "Might makes Right". And I was upset with Gaia, too, for choosing such an event, encouraging half of their users to snub the weak, think only of themselves, and behave like asshats (I know that's half of gaia all the time anyway, but I didn't like it being rubbed in my face). I was in need of reassurance in humanity, some kind of strategy to deal with the heartache of being powerless in my current position. Thinking about it made it matter to me, when clearly it was not made to be thought about.

After some roleplaying, which I found myself getting really comfortable and pleased with, the war was declared "over", but there was silence on the fronts. In my thread I had ol' Baddy go out to the war zone to see what had happened. Rather than making shit up, I actually went and poked around the forums of the opposing team, which had been locked from the good team while the war was on. While in my own forum, it was a craze of propoganda, mudflinging, and desparation to win. On the other side, I saw some of the same behavior, but when all was said and done, all the gaians went back to just being gaians. Shallow, inane, illiterate, and friendly with each other. The good guys snuck over to the bad guys, got a few replies of, "What are you doing here?", meeting those with their own reply of, "I'm here because I want to be, what of it?", and then there was no more chasing, lynching, or general madness.
So, I went back to my roleplay thread with the intention of reporting this, and how it changed my opinion of the entire event. The "Good" side was no better than the "Evil" side, and in the end the whole mess was entirely pointless, in my opinion, setting users against each other so passionately. Unfortunately I got dragged into an extra day of silly god-modding battle posts in the rp (yes that was the day I had "terrible cramps" v_v), but finally got to state my piece and leave the thread with some closure.

It was entirely satisfying. And even though it wasted a lot of my time, it helped me clear my head in a safe way. Rather than rushing off to support or condemn something in real life, I got those feelings out in the pointless void of Gaia and re-leared a valuable lesson. No matter how I want to believe right can conquer wrong, trusting words at face value and throwing my emotions wholeheartedly into a cause instead of evaluating what that cause actually is will only result in getting caught in another storm of semantics. Emotions can be manipulated easily. This is how America is being split apart now- people's emotions are being teased and they are being told exactly what they want to hear, but those promises are empty and self-serving.

I got so caught up in wanting my party to win I almost fell into despair projecting negative qualities on "the other side", when I have always been a strong believer that there is no other side, that we are all on the same side, and that conflicts should be held between individuals, not between large groups. There is no sense in holding a grudge against someone you have never met. People should be held responsible for their actions and decisions, but it should be done on an individual basis and blindly lumping a group of people together is bound to land you with your foot in your mouth and following a false idol who will feed you what you want to hear in order to keep you in their control.

That's what I got out of it anyway. Of course, the event ended in the stupidest way possible, affirming that it was all for naught, and I moved on from roleplaying to start thinking more about writing in general. I do enjoy roleplay since it gives me a chance to use my writing skills and I am feeling better about what I write all the time. I only do it rarely and when I try for long spans it gets pretty bad, but I think my level is signifigantly higher than it has ever been. It gave me the inspiration to draw some pictures of Dagkoma, change up Badeye's image a bit, and throw out some of the desparation that balled up in me. I will try to get to sleep earlier from here out, but right now, despite weird food and sleep, I feel almost back in balance.