I hate to say it, but I knew this would happen. I am always such a stupid like this! I suppose it's best that I did hold back drawing as part of me for a while, so people didn't think I was arrogant or coasting off some invisible pride over being able to draw somewhat. But now that I really have become a drawing fool, I have opened up all this opportunity that wasn't there before.
The boys of nishisho's fifth grade have taken to calling me Captain Rianna and high fived me today. They're the Monster Hunter fanatics. I ate class with 6th grade 2kumi and one of the boys showed me some drawings. I asked for a pencil and paper and roughed out a drawing of Manji from Blade of the Immortal (and told them the name- I really shouldn't have, BoTI is really, really violent, and pretty damn sexual at points... Curse you Rianna!) and was practically lifted on the shoulders of the crowd. It just felt so fun to be drawing and the kids were all delighted. They've been delighted by stuff I've drawn before, but I've always taken care to draw animals or things that I'm not all that attached to, so if they tanked I wouldn't get hurt. But today I just let that Manji out on the page and was practically smacked with a wall of Umaiiiis. Afterwards the boys heckled the teacher for copies and a small crowd expressed desire for a copy. I included my deviantart page. I wonder if that was a smart idea. A couple of the boys asked me to teach them. One of them was fascinated that I smudged with my finger and I told him a tissue would actually be better since the oils on your fingers shouldn't get into the paper.
High off my success, I drew a dragon on the board in 5th grade 2 kumi and the kids were absolutely furious when I attempted to erase it. Apparently it will be photographed. Class was just a lot of fun. When I asked everyone how they were, they replied uniformly and unscripted, "I'm sleepy". Everyone was so surprised to hear the unanimous sentiment and we all laughed. They were playful and one of the boys in the front was positively obnoxious practicing his Rs and Ls. He's going to be very good at it, though the girl next to him might have to punch him in the face a few times if he keeps sticking his tongue out at her. We played the Keyword game to top it off, everyone's favorite. I felt like the favored champion pulling out an extra special trick.
I just feel like I can finally relax and be myself.
Today after I got back, Mrs. Takekawa and Akiko were talking with me about Mrs. Takekawa's daughter's wedding in Hawaii. Akiko said she felt bad for not already being married and I said, "Japanese people really do think marriage is important, don't they. I wonder why." They explained basically that many jobs for women didn't provide enough money to do more than eat, so they had to get married for money. I explained it wasn't like that in the states. Akiko asked if I planned to get married and both women seemed taken aback when I explained I didn't feel I needed to. I said I might start living with another person when I became able to think about someone other than me, maybe when I'm 50 or so. They said, " You won't be able to have children!" and I said if I really wanted them, I'd adopt, but plenty of other people are having babies, so it's alright if I don't. Mrs. Takekawa laughed and looked at me in the way she does that makes me think she likes me. I can't tell what Akiko was thinking. But I feel like my selfish, "I have no reason to stop" attitude is a complete mindflip for Japanese, who are so set in this idea of getting married by 35. I told Akiko if she ever decided she didn't want to get married, America would be waiting.
Another thing. In class today (6nen 2kumi, my lunch group), one of the boys asked me an excellent question. He wanted to know if Americans thought it was right to drop the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I told him that some people thought it was right, because the Japanese fought so well that the war may not have ended if we had not, that more people would have been killed. But there are also people who don't think it was neccessarily correct. I said the world is all connected (the teacher helped me a lot here), and that even though the bombs were dropped on Japan, the radiation is moving all around the world, and that those bombs could destroy the entire world instead of just little pieces. Some of the students were practically crawling out of their skin with boredom, but there were also a large number listening carefully, and a few of the boys also chipped in. It was all a little over my head, but I told them at the end that I don't think people can kill each other if they are friends, and so more than just being careful with atomic bombs, we should learn to communicate and understand each other. That even if they don't speak the language at all, realizing we are all just humans, not being afraid of each other (the teacher is fabulous because she stood right next to me and it was a very friendly atmosphere) is extremely important. I think I was just really, really glad I could go and talk frankly about that. I told them so. That I was glad I could tell them, "Americans feelings arent all 'let's kill the Japanese'- it was very difficult for them to decide to drop the bombs, and even some of the people who made the bomb regretted it".
Then we very quickly whipped through the whole class, asking "What do you want to be when you grow up?". Despite all the extra conversation, we were able to get through and I could still comment and ask them some questions.
And of course, next week will be my last class with them.
I knew this would happen, and I tried hard to make sure I wouldn't have regrets here. And yet I have walked exactly the path I tried to avoid. My whole life has been like this. I tried to avoid becoming a teacher because I knew it would suit me, and yet I became a teacher. Everything else I have tried to avoid, I think a lot of the time I have walked straight into. Now, trying to live to the fullest and do everything right, I splurged my opportunity to be completely genuine my whole time here. I am much more likeable as myself than as a serious type. If only I had laid it all on the line from the start.
But it is not all bad. Maybe this way the kid's best mental image of me will be at the end, the part that's easiest to remember. That way my most awesome state won't get tarnished by my mistakes through the earlier lessons. Perhaps I can be the inspiration for some of these kids to go traveling yet.
Oh yes, during the "What do you want to be" lesson, one of the boys said he didn't want to be anything, or do anything. I told him to please try traveling (and later, during Kyuushoku, told him to listen to "Tsumetai Gift" by Yurayura Teikoku, along with Evil Car). He said he would without any hesitation, so I wonder. He said he'd like to try dying once, so I told him to try going to the very bottom of the sea, since you can't see or hear anything down there. He didn't seem like a dark kid, but I know what Japan can do to someone who isn't willing to thoughtlessly ganbaru towards their yume. I actually may have been a bit influenced by reading Welcome to the NHK in one of the huge manga magazines I swiped literally off the street from the trash (did I write about that? That was one of my moments of glorious triumph, right up there with swiping a 350 yen bag of day old bread from Postful in the last 10 minutes before closing. Not even joking, I felt like the king of the world, a thief, and a genius all at the same time). Instead of insisting someone has a dream, I thought it might be better to encourage someone to get out of the familiar and go see something new. I hope he will. I hope middle school isn't too terribly serious for the kids, though I don't have much hope.
I am almost certain now I want to come back as a JET once I graduate and teach English in the middle schools. I will have to be more prepared and be able to make lessons and games. But maybe I can make sure the teachers are balancing the lesson with fun, the kids have an outlet to speak English and interact with a foreigner just for fun, and I can slip more poisonous self-confidence propoganda into the kids' ears. I've seen what's happening here and heard adults worrying and wondering why the kids don't have dreams. And I know to have a dream, all you need to do is believe you can accomplish it, and that it is something you enjoy. If everyone just stops forcing perfection on the kids, they will start having dreams again. If everyone is willing to let the idea of correct and incorrect slip by the wayside, some real progress can be made. I'm sure of it.
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