2.8.10

Even though I ate dinner and went to bed at 11:30 or so, I woke up today so darui and 30 minutes behind my alarm clock. My house has finally slipped the last step into disarray, I realized, as I searched through piles of wrinkled clothing and played the "Which smell is least offensive" game.
I managed to get to Datesho on time but my head was in a daze. My first few classes, too, just didn't feel quite right. It was like I couldn't get with the flow of everyone else, and spent the first couple periods struggling. Third period was the teacher who has his act together and I was able to sit back and let things progress naturally. It started to work out. The sixth grade classes went fine, though I was still a bit out of it. They're going to present a play in English and I've really tried to encourage everyone to go wild with it.
Lunch was with first graders, who I didn't get to interact with hardly at all. Why did I play like I speak less Japanese than I do? I was hoping that they would like me even if I didn't speak Japanese. Ever since I have been speaking more Japanese in class, I have been wondering if maybe it wouldn't be better not to be able to speak. What if it was all English? Isn't that what these kids need to feel more comfortable around foreigners? Actual foreign language?

But I heard I only have two more times at Datesho- only one more time this school year. Soon, the sixth graders are going to graduate and move on to middle school. My heart aches with excitement and anxiety for them. I hope that Datechu is less awful than Nagawa or Usu. I hope they survive to be adults with minimal scars. Middle school is so hard, especially in such a strict and conformist place like this.
Maybe even more than my thoughts of where they're going is how fast our time together has been. I was shocked to realize that my time is almost up. I've known, but this was a candid slap to the face that couldn't be missed. Just when I was really starting to feel comfortable with them, time is up.

There are certainly classes I am not going to miss much, mostly because they make me think too much of regrets and my own failures and inexperience. But this hit me harder than I was expecting, maybe because I wasn't ready for it.

It finally heated up today after weeks of below zero temperatures, and the ground is soaking wet, dirty black slush and puddles everywhere. It's raining. What's happening inside me feels a lot like the outside world right now.