I'm in a bit of a predicament. I have already let down this girl once, which was not easy for me- she is incredibly bright, motivated, and by no means deserves to be turned down. But that's what I've had to keep doing, seemingly just because I don't entirely understand my situation here. At first we exchanged emails and were going to be friends, but then I remembered to check the rules and found out that was a no-no. I gave the girl the bad news, which killed a little piece of me, and thought that was that.
What I found out later, though, was that I could email her if I used my own personal email (huh??). She is so strong- even though I told her we could not be friends, she ventured to ask if I, just as a person, could help her with her pronunciation and such for the speech contest. I asked if it was alright and was told it was, but then was told I would be judging said speech contest and was told I couldn't. I don't want to judge this contest. But I don't want to be an unreliable employee. I would much prefer teaching this girl and sitting on the sidelines, though. I don't want that sort of responsibility.
Yesterday I spent literally the entire day in front of the computer feverishly trying to finish my Tegaki post, knowing I wouldn't have time for the next few days and knowing that one of my friends wants to get a move on with some story stuff. Honestly I should have split this story I'm working on into about 7 or 8 pieces, but with this sort of time constraint there wasn't much choice if I wanted to get it told, which I do. Ultimately I didn't even care if anyone else would read it- I just wanted to get it out and on screen. It's been a while since I've pushed myself in endurance storytelling. As always towards the end I am overwhelmed with the weight of my own choices- never confident in what I have done and even less confident in what is left to do, but I want to finish it. I don't want it to sit forever unfinished, leaving out the most important part- the point. Yeah I got the emotional rollercoaster in there, but without concluding it in the way I originally intended it's just so much fluff.
Tonight I'm going to a barbeque but maybe there will be some time. I need to sleep at some point in there.
Nagawachu was typically unfavorable on Tuesday- the students had to remember a passage in english and speak in pairs in front of the class, which they did very well, only to have the teacher tell them they did a bad job and were getting a C. I am becoming calloused. When I told the teacher after class I thought what they were doing was very difficult, she seemed shocked. I am beginning to think she actually percieves reality in a distorted way and this isn't just a difference in personalities.
Today was the school for children with learning disabilities and I am certain now that I like that school. One of the girls, who wants to be called Cathy, is so sweet. She is quiet and looks tough- like she could beat the snot of out someone- but she is always holding some teacher's hand, leaning on them, quietly observing in the company of someone else. She seems exceptionally gentle despite her somewhat tough appearance. The boy she liked last time I went, but is now "bimyo" about goes by Saccamochan and likes the color pink. I'm actually not sure why he and some of the other kids are in the school, as they seem to me to be bright and well adjusted. Today one of the elementary school boys talked to me at great length- I was told he was autistic, but it was explained that because of that he couldn't focus on one thing for long, which didn't make a lot of sense to me. I thought autism related to being unable to communicate normally. The kid was just fine at talking and didn't seem any more easily distracted than most of the other kids I encounter. In any case, he was a sweet one, and easy to talk to.
I had lunch with the first graders and one of the teachers was a great big friendly guy who knew a good amount of English. He tought me the meaning of いっせき by the explaination- "One stone. Two birds. Ow Ow!" complete with pantomime. While eating we discused the zodiac and I realized I don't know all of the signs.
I brought an english travel brochure of Otaru for the boy who said he liked traveling and liked Otaru best, but after asking the teacher if it was alright to give it to him, I realized it was probably a bad idea. I drew a picture of a cat for Selina-chan in return for the drawing she gave me, but I didn't give it to her. I am beginning to think being a teacher is kind of a drag sometimes.
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