７－１３－０９

Yet another foray in the trials and drama of Nagawachu. Today was actually quite good for me despite the fact I spent around an hour crying. In class I was chided for correcting pronunciation and when I tried to explain that the pronunciation the teacher was using was somewhat confusing (offen instead of often) I was scolded quite harshly. I deflected the initial barrage of rather nasty remarks with my gaijin shield of DO NOT UNDERSTAND and tried to remain neutral until after class. When class was over, I planned to calmly return to the teacher’s room and in plain earshot of everyone ask in Japanese, “What is the purpose of this job? I thought it was to teach pronunciation but now I don’t understand.”

Instead that little revenge was denied to me when the teacher escorted me after class into a separate room with no one around, started to open up on me and shut the door. So it was up to me to defend myself, then. Which is fine, I let myself get pushed around pretty easily but I certainly don’t break worth a darn.

We stayed in that room for upward of thirty minutes and each time I tried to interject or ask a question I was cut off. It took a few minutes before I could even speak, at which point I was basically steamrolled. “No buts!” I understood most of what she was saying but didn’t want to give her the victory of making me feel awful, so I just ignored a lot of it and played the language barrier card. I even asked her- I don’t understand you, could you please explain in English? Only to receive the response, No way, I can’t explain this sort of complicated thing in English. (I would like to note I find it ironic that she believes her English is good enough to override a natural speaker’s in class, but not good enough to actually communicate- I think both are incorrect, her English is quite good with the exception of some pronunciation) She was clearly set on not a conversation, but a fierce scolding resulting in me knowing my place. I kept drawing her out, asking questions until she very slowly, bit by bit, began to treat me like a person. I was still scolded, but little by little it did become a conversation, largely in English (my territory) and I was able to express my thoughts and feelings, too. When she got angry, instead of just glaring me down and using a flurry of insults, she began to explain what parts of what I just said pissed her off, I amended them, and the conversation could continue.

The situation really hasn’t changed- she’s still a controlling, strict, domineering person and clearly wants me to have little to no role in the teaching position. Writing short essays for the kids, circling their correct answers, and to a very small extent reading new words or passages – that is until I mess up and don’t use the pronunciation the teacher taught – those are my duties. Nothing more. But at least now I understand that much and I had a chance to turn her hazing into a semi-equal situation in which I scored some power for myself, as well. At the end instead of it just being her standing over me as I wept (and I was crying practically the whole time- she chided me for that too and told me to control my emotions, said that crying was detestable- joke’s on her, crying is something I only developed in the last few years after years and years of not being able to, thanks to aforementioned “control”), we concluded the conversation with her commanding that I never correct her anywhere but in the teacher’s office and me requesting her to correct me specifically when I make a mistake and explain what she would like me to change. Not too unreasonable, is it? Wanting to know the cause of her anger rather than simply cringing in fear each time I make any action, terrified of being punished? My argument was entirely too reasonable, in my opinion.

I still feel mildly paranoid that everything I’m doing is wrong, but maybe she will be more sympathetic to the fact that I wasn’t born here, I wasn’t educated in the way she is educating (I even mentioned that it was the OPPOSITE of how I was taught, which is mostly true), and I do have to struggle with the language barrier.

The thing that really got me is that after all this, she was sort of chummy with me. I know I should be too, but if I hadn’t been rather coy and incredibly stubborn, the woman would have broken my back and felt totally fine about it afterwards. It’s that apathy towards her own hurtful power that gets to me. I can work with her, but I don’t think I can be friends with someone with such an abrasive way of dealing with other people. I will try to talk with her more and be friendly in the office, but I cannot dislodge the feeling that she is a dangerous and untrustworthy creature.

I don’t even talk to the other teachers because I am certain she would undermine my attempts at communication and mock my current language ability (While she was chewing me out, not only did she say my personality “couldn’t be helped”, but also said my Japanese was weird in quite a number of words- even that my accent was bad. First of all, what kind of person who studies language and knows how difficult it is says something like that? An educator no less! Second of all, I know for a fact my accent is in most situations just fine. She is the first person to ever criticize my pronunciation, but I have been frequently praised for how clear and naturally I can speak. I have listened to enough Japanese being spoken to know that I am not fast and I don’t use proper grammar or vocabulary most of the time, but I am pretty darn close and my pronunciation is certainly easy to understand. I’ve tried to be at least partially objective through the rest of this entry, but for that I have to call her quite a bitch!)

If it gets worse, I may just try to do what the other AET did and refuse to go back there. Either way the kids are going to be taught by that woman, but does my presence affect things enough to bother hurting myself by staying?I may understand what she wants now, but I don’t yet know the answer to that question.