7.24.09

I had lunch with Mayu and her friend- already forgot her name. It was good. Very close place, very inexpensive.
Last night there was a kind of community event near city hall where all the employees and their families came and recieved free food, treats, games for the very small children, and eating contests. I participated in the ladies' speed eating and quite predictably did not place, but won garbage bags (surprisingly expensive here, so I was quite happy) and later a 20$ gift card in the raffle. I met several of my elementary school students there and was terribly pleased to see them. While I was competing I heard little voices crying out, "リアナ先生がんばって!"
I had no desire to win before that, but afterwards, I really did want to.
One little girl asked me why my hair was so long and was very affectionate to me. When all of us had our hands on one hip and were thrusting our fists in the air shouting "がんばろう" together, she came up and wrapped me in a little hug- she only came up to my waist. "You were too slow," I told her, but she didn't seem interested in the team spirit.
I don't know, even growing up I don't recall sharing a lot of physical affection with anyone. Being here and being touched, hugged, having my hands or wrists held... It's almost too intimate for me. It moves me somehow. It seems to me only little children are fearless enough to make me feel safe.

I was feeling in a rut all of today, but translating Ico helped me feel a bit better. I started getting the sinking feeling that after all of the effort it would take to translate this book, maybe it wouldn't be worth it. I can't help but read the book sleeve that proclaims it "エンタてインメント" right after mentioning the game. I have always felt that it is somehow a magic book with some kind of esoteric message hidden away- much like the games team ICO makes. I hope that is true, but it dampens my spirits when I think that here in Japan, it's just another novel to pass the time and could very well be a completely mediocre adventure story. A long time ago I had a dream that gave me the same feeling. It is the feeling of finding a holy ground covered in the footprints and garbage of camera toting tourists. It's like climbing a tremendous and isolated mountain only to find a shopping mall.
Having something that has been so symbolic and meaningful to me knocked down to a purely realistic level is not helping relieve my malaise (which I'm quite sure is a combination of not enough food and sleep and too much internet. I'm trying to recover balance but it takes time). I know I always do this- elevate something to levels so high the only direction it can possibly go is down, but I am always scuffed up and discouraged after the fall anyway. It's hard for me to want to try again when I've been rebuffed.
I've started to wonder. After I go to Tokyo, will I have any more dreams of Japan left? I came to discover if I have any real connection to this place, so either way I will get my answer, but if the answer is no, where do I go from there?
Time will tell, I suppose.