７・１・０９

I knew yesterday was going to be a bad day from the start, and it was a pretty lousy day. Got rained on, missed my bus both times, felt like an asshat the whole time at Nagawa (not assisted by the Teacher jeering at me in front of the students- I was really surprised she would do that). I decided today was going to be better though, and it was. I spent most of the time at Usuchuu correcting Show-and-Tell statements the students had put together with internet translators. It was difficult, but during the lunch break a single girl stayed inside to draw instead of going out to play and I was able to talk with her just a bit. It made me awfully happy. Two of the third-year girls saw me leave and I got the feeling they were making fun of me, but because that one drawing girl seemed to understand me, it balanced out. I’ve decided I like Usuchuu more than Nagawa even though Nagawa’s English level is higher. It is a more human school. After classes, I sat at the bus stop about an hour early and just drew and drew. I’m still not sure what kinds of drawings are safe and which will reflect badly on me. That’s a bit stressful.
It still wasn’t a great day. I’m tired and would like to go to bed very early instead of staying up late. Work wasn’t hard, I didn’t miss the bus, and I didn’t fall off my bike. It’s a better day than yesterday. I was given words of encouragement by my friends on Tegaki and I think I should look through everyone’s photos on Facebook tonight to give myself a break from Japan. I’d also like to start manipulating photos for my Media Arts portfolio. Tomorrow Yuki and I will hook up and we’ll make dinner. Tonight after work I might go to Ruby’s and get something pre-made so I don’t have to cook tonight. My laundry is done, too, so tonight I should be able to rest.

I’ve been upset lately because I’ve been too hard on myself. Thought I had the hang of things and I think that’s what screwed me up. If I had kept the attitude that I know nothing, I would be less disappointed in myself for not understanding. It’s crazy to think I could become fluent in a month anyway, so I really shouldn’t be so upset. I think my hormones are flaring up and I’ve had allergies or something too, since my eyes are always swollen and I feel sick first thing in the morning (nose running, etc). I fixed my bed so my back isn’t as awful as it was for a while there.

I can’t decide if being friends with this one person is a good idea or not. I pingpong between realizing he is roughly as nurturing as a desert (he, like me, is terribly self-absorbed, and isn’t particularly good at thinking of my feelings- which is odd, because he’s also very good at taking care of others) and thinking too that he is very good practice for me. It’s important for me to experience what it feels like on the other end of this kind of friendship, since I am usually in his place. Talking to him exclusively is a terrible idea, though. I will start talking with others who are more interested in me.

Lastly I have come to realize that running away to Japan hasn’t exactly made my life simple, clean, and personal again. I came here hoping to find my past, and I have done so at times. Being back in the elementary schools has taken me back to that beautiful, simple time, and being in the middle schools has returned me to the hell that was my own middle school. I’ve also felt alone sometimes and had to turn to expressing myself in images, and I’m getting to stretch my art legs with photography now and then. I’m still just as busy and tangled in social obligations as I was when I left Montana, though. I was hoping to cut ties, make my life more simple, think only of myself. I have done so to an extent, but really all I’ve done is heap new connections on top of my old ones, which still require attention. It is extremely stressful. Being alone would be awful. I don’t know how to find the balance.

My current energy is very low. I need more sleep. Getting up so early is screwing with me. I haven’t been this tired since the first week.　I know as soon as I return home I will feel as though I haven’t been to Japan at all, so I should protect my memories here fiercely. I have to admit a lot of what I was doing in the last month may have just been competitiveness. Am I having the most fun that any gaijin has ever had in Japan, due to my impressive language ability and charming personality, coupled with a deep and thorough understanding of the subtleties of Japanese thinking? Maybe that was what I was thinking.
To be honest I don’t think I was thinking that way. I’m pretty sure this swell of self-abuse and critical thought is just hormones.